2014 & 2015

I struggled quite a bit thinking of what to title this post. I had settled on just titling it a year, but should it be 2014 or 2015? I felt that this distinction between past and present would dictate the structure of the post, and I wasn't sure which one to pick.

The ideas surrounding New Year's have always seemed to be somewhat of a contradiction to me. Is it a time to reflect on the year gone by? Or is it more about our hopes for the coming year? Of course, the stock response would be "both!" and yet there's something about the two that I have a hard time juxtaposing.

Perhaps this conflict stems from the nature of my life right now. This year has been a time of transition for me, not only in an academic/lifestyle sense, but in many others as well. Concepts in life that had felt so distant in high school, such as finances and full independence, are suddenly demanding acknowledgement and careful consideration. Mentally, I've been pondering a lot on the nature of the distinction between idealism and cold reality. Actually, whether reality should be considered "cold" or beautiful in its own way has also been a subject of much of my thought.

I'm often tempted to dismiss these vague thoughts as nothing more than your average teenage angst. Perhaps it is simply the result of my own indecisiveness, or a lack of hardship and desire in life. Or are such questions simply the natural thoughts of any young adult?

These questions are the defining part of New Year's for me. Each year I consider what questions I've had answered, which remain uncertain, and which are to come. These "categories" seem pretty distinct when I phrase it like that, but in reality, their form is a lot more amorphous. They're not necessarily split into "past" and "present" but rather they are constantly growing and evolving together. This is true even of the questions I think I've already answered.

So then, is New Year's a time for looking to the past or future?

If they are not viewed in a binary manner, "both" really is a good answer.

This reminds me of a similar idea that I expressed back in 10th grade, when my "writing portfolio" was a mess of invisible font colors and distracting background. The idea came from a poem called, "Begin." As I read it again, I think 15 year old me had a point, even if the way it was expressed wasn't the most clear.

I've found that as we go into the future (young people especially), We tend to start disregarding our past, particularly any errors or immaturities we exhibited. And yet who we once were doesn't need to be internalized as a concrete idea or some permanent stain on our character. It's meaning grows with us, and I think that embracing our past is one of the best ways to be happy in the present and to make a more meaningful future.

But enough of all the philosophizing. In all of this, I seem to have forgotten one of the most important aspects of New Year's. Celebrating and enjoying the presence of friends and family. So for now, I'll put my mind (and keyboard) to rest. Happy 2014 & 2015 everyone!

First Semester College Reflections

As finals week begins I thought it would be interesting to reflect on my first semester in college. For any prospective student reading this, keep in mind that these are my thoughts, and that one's college experience will vary tremendously based on their own character.

This is perhaps one of the most important things you learn in college. One experiences and learns to respect different lifestyles. My impression of college students prior to becoming one myself was relatively limited. I figured everyone studied hard, slept really late, and hung out with friends as much as possible. It was a rosy view, and don't get me wrong, for most college students, this is indeed an ideal world.

And yet one also encounters countless distinct lifestyles in college. Some students wake up early everyday for work or sports practice, and sleep even earlier than they did in high school. Some party hard every Friday, while others may prefer the Tuesday when they don't have classes. There are students whose schedule goes in periods of work alternating with play, while others work hard all semester round and still rarely show up to social events.

In high school, one has vague notions of who "studies a lot" or "is a jock" to create a sense as to that person's time allocation. But in college, this is taken to a whole new level. With a roommate and close friends that one will spend everyday with, one realizes how distinct everyone's living patterns really are, and how these patterns can facilitate deep friendships as well as initial estrangement. In short, college teaches diversity in more than just the race and economic status of one's peers.

Academically speaking, college is truly a different world from high school. Perhaps the most important distinction is that you are in a sense, "allowed to fail" in college, especially at a place like Brown.

In high school, if you fail that has consequences not only for you, but for your teacher, your school, your district, and possibly the all important standardized test averages. Sooner or later, no one will want to move to your town because your school has such a bad reputation!

Of course, I'm perhaps exaggerating a bit. There's also the fact that one is assumed to be less mature as a high school student, and teachers/adults will go out of their way to assist students in anyway possible.

In college, if you fail, well you just fail. It may drag down the course average a bit, but then again, even that always assumes that some people will fail. Professors certainly don't want you to fail, but if you do they are not obligated or even necessarily compelled to go out of their way to help you (if they have TAs.)

I first realized this as I sat watching a professor give a lecture to me... and 300 other students. I could not come to class. Homework was handed in digitally through a computer system. Lecture slides were available online, because one would need to do self study to understand the material. If one didn't keep up, it would be extremely easy to fail. Besides a possible warning email, there would not be a teacher constantly checking up on you.

I guess the sum of it all is that in college you are (at least academically) truly an adult. Occasionally, you'll work in the library or computer lab and see a 40 year old studying along with you. You're truly responsible for yourself, and there's both a great freedom and weight in that.

These are the two most important reflections I will share today. If there's one thing that I'd want you to pick up from this, it's that there is no definitive college experience. You'll might hear older classmates talk about how difficult the work is and how much more packed their schedule is in college. Others may find it a lot less stressful and far more liberating. Some will feel homesick, and others will belong immediately. In the end, the only thing that everyone says that is definitely true is this:

It's what you make of it.