Loser

I've always been a pretty competitive person. Yeah, that's a pretty general statement, but I don't think I've ever read an in-depth reflection as to what that really means. It's a trait that is often thrown out there, as though its connotation speaks for itself. Whether it is perceived as positive or negative is often related to the "competitiveness" of the listener him/herself.

But what does being competitive really do in the grander scheme of one's character? I've found the answer is quite a complex one. How one's competitiveness manifests itself in his/her character is actually quite personal. For some, it can be an asset, a persona within a vast array of paradigms to adapt to specific situations. It is equally possible that the competitive drive is one of intense passion, a fire so hot and strong that it must be repressed in everyday life, so as not to alienate people in one's everyday interactions.

Ironically, I think my competitive drive has manifested itself to make me a loser. It sounds absurd doesn't it? Shouldn't a competitive drive create a winner? And if not a literal winner, at least one who always strives to be one? Allow me to clarify.

I say "loser" without any condemnation. After all, every winner begins as a loser. It is only through repeated failure and lessons that one eventually becomes masterful at anything. Of course, this is standard inspirational quotation stuff, but truly, there is a beauty in losing gracefully isn't there?

Whether I win or  lose at something, usually a game or argument, I feel a kind of wonder as to the system I have taken a part in. If it's a game, it's the rules and structures. If it's an argument, it's the sheer action of two people bringing abstract thought to fruitful conversation.

Ah, but debates are not always fruitful. Games are not always fair. Therein lies what I've identified to be a key fuel in my competitive spirit. I am relentlessly critical of systems and their balance. If a game is not fair, I will fix it, or if I can't, explain very thoroughly why it is unfair, often to the chagrin of my fellow players. If there is possible bias in an argument, I will find it and address it immediately.

There's a great strength in this tendency, and also a great weakness. For example, it requires a great deal of expertise of the system in question to be able to critique and not look like a rambling fool. As such, I lose confidence in both my own abilities and in the game itself if I fail to understand it, or can't foresee myself understanding it. I don't think I need to delve into why this could become an enormous problem if it is repeatedly indulged.

I certainly didn't mean this to be a diary of self pity, so I'll conclude with this. Being competitive to me, means finding justice in a competition. And if I succeed in doing so, then I find I can applaud any outcome. Though winning is sweet and I will do everything possible to achieve it, losing is humbling and enriching. In defeat one sees his/her own weakness, and grows stronger and even closer to his/her fellow participants for it.

I will always strive to be a winner. But you know, I don't mind being a loser either.